Of course this week brings the holiday of Thanksgiving (“When Good Deeds Went Bad Day”). This bittersweet start to the holiday season is a reminder of the goodness and humanity of Native people toward the Pilgrims, who chose not to return the favor. Since it doesn’t look like Thanksgiving Day will be changing to Thanksreturning Day any time soon, I say Indians everywhere should commemorate Thanksgiving Native style, with a
turkey drumstick in hand and tongue in cheek.
I propose all Indian casinos give away at least 10 one way trips to Europe. Not just any one way trip to Europe but all expenses paid excursions aboard 17th century wooden replica sailing ships. Just like the ones the Pilgrims used to come here. Each ship will feature cramped sleeping quarters, communal bathroom buckets, warm grog, salted bacon and unlimited dysentery.
Indian casinos should cancel any new car drawings and replace them with War Pony Giveaways. Who needs the luxury of a 2013 Lexus when they can have the practicality of a 1999 Pontiac Sunfire Rez Bomb with 284,000 miles, no air conditioning and a cracked windshield.
I think we can make some money off of casino surveillance footage too, because emotions will flare and blood pressure readings will skyrocket when unsuspecting gamblers come to the cashier cage to find out all of their winnings have been returned to the casino as part of the Thanksgiving “Indian Giver Days Promotion.”
Let’s have fun with some crank phone call this Thanksgiving weekend too. Everyone make at least one call to the Mayflower moving company. Inquire how much they charge to move Pilgrim descendants back to England.
Don’t forget about football season either. I think as many Indians as possible should put on their regalia, buy some scalped tickets and attend this Sunday’s Redskins-Giants game. Cheer for the Giants and stand and boo every time the Redskins make a good play. They are in last place in their division, so there probably won’t be too many good plays to boo.
As for me, I will be doing my own first Thanksgiving reenactment. Look for me at the Reno, Nevada Wal-mart store. I will be standing out front, handing out corn and squash to confused white people.