One of my favorite things to do each month – besides taking a shower – is to read the Crime Waves section of The Four Corners Free Press in Cortez, Colorado.
They represent the drama, comedy and tragedy of real life.
And sometimes there’s even a touch of romance – like the woman arrested for drunk driving on December 1 telling Montezuma County police officers “I love you guys.”
Nothing warms a police officer’s heart more than hearing a suspect confess their love. Unless it’s a jelly donut.
Now, admit it: You love it when the truth prevails. Like when a suspected perp turns out to be a victim after all.
There was the man who handed a store clerk a counterfeit $50 bill. He told police he had received the bill from another store and when they checked out his story, they found he was telling the truth. See, honesty pays. But so do counterfeit $50 bills because someone still got away with passing one off.
Some say Americans don’t take pride in their work, but that counterfeiter proves them wrong. Maybe he or she could make enough money to pay off the national debt?
You have to watch out for large bills, folks. I know because I’ve noticed some convenience stores have signs that read, “No Large Bills after 8 p.m.” Now, I’m kind of large, but luckily my name isn’t Bill, so I still get served.
On the down side, my name is John so people think they can crap all over me.
Now, though I applaud honesty, I think that too much of it can lead to bad things happening. Take the woman involved in a December 21 altercation with her husband. When he asked her if she had had sex with another man, “Yes” may not have been the safest answer she could have used.
Next to her reply, Bill Clinton’s confusion over what the meaning of “is” is, or was, is genius.
The Crime Waves can also be educational. Thanks to a November 24 incident I have now decided that it is unwise to run a red light when there is a police officer sitting on the other side of it. I don’t know why I never thought of that before.
And did you know that it can be equally unwise to reply, “Who likes football?” when a drunken football fan wants to relive the big game with you?
But the biggest thing I learned in January was that if you plan to commit crimes, always carry a colostomy bag with you. Apparently it can save you from getting into a lot of crap. A suspect appears to have gotten himself arrested five times between November 23 and December 18, but has escaped jail time because no one wants to take him in with his medical situation.
The suspect still has to appear in court, though, and that’s where it’s really going to hit the fan.
It did get me to thinking, though. I mean if Colostomy Man could get away with that much mischief, what other maladies might provide a free pass to the criminally inclined?
Say a police officer pulls you over for speeding and asks you, “What’s the rush?” All you have to do is say, “Sorry, officer, but I’m a leper and I was trying to make it home before my leg falls off.”
Follow that with a few nasty sounding coughs and you’ll be free to speed all night.
Usually I am amused by the miscellaneous misdeeds reported, but not this time. One reported crime on December 9 stunned me and I hope the Cortez Police Department is taking the matter as seriously as I do.
Surprisingly this Crime of the Century didn’t warrant a banner headline, but it is no laughing matter.
Someone shoved a Twinkie into a car’s exhaust pipe!
I – like millions of other Americans, I’m sure – am outraged at the heinous defilement of a delicious, golden, spongy cake with yummy crème filling.
If someone could torture a poor, helpless Twinkie in such a sadistic way, what’s next? Will Cap'n Crunch and Tony the Tiger fall victim to a psycho cereal killer?
I urge the Cortez police to immediately form a Twinkie Task Force to solve this dastardly deed. Call in the FBI, the CIA, and the PTA! Forget the debate over regulating guns, Congress needs to focus on passing a law so only qualified Twinkies owners can possess this tasty treat!
I shudder to think of a Twinkie in the wrong hands!
If law enforcement agencies need a place to start I suggest they consider who has the most to gain by sullying the Twinkies’ good name. You can probably rule out the Green Giant.
But the Pillsbury Doughboy may not be as sweet and innocent as he looks.
John Christian Hopkins, a member of the Narragansett Tribe, has spent more than two decades in journalism, including as a nationally syndicated columnist. He is the author of "The Pirate Prince, Carlomagno" and "Twilight of the Gods."