Tiffany Midge

Mike Pence, You’ve Got Mail!

VP Mike Pence must have forgotten about using that AOL account for work

Vice President Mike Pence was in the hot seat recently. It was confirmed that Pence used a private email account through AOL to conduct public business while serving as Indiana’s governor.

A Washington source said: “Hello! Pot calling kettle black. The GOP couldn’t shut up for one second about former Secretary Clinton’s emails and private server, and then this doofus handles discretionary information on his AOL account? Who uses AOL? Was the Pony Express closed for repairs or something? Did he run out of pennies for sending a telegraph?”

In addition to Pence’s AOL account, other reports have surfaced regarding VP Pence’s Myspace page “MikeyLikesIt”—a title taken from a popular 1970s LIFE cereal commercial about a finicky kid who hates everything—and Pence’s LiveJournal blog “Need for Speed, Maverick’s Blog” in reference to the film “Top Gun.”

Pence’s spokesman said: “Mike Pence is a politician with the soul of a poet and deep down he’s hardcore emotive. A lot of people don’t know that Mike spends his free time writing fan fic and posting it on his LiveJournal blog. A lot of his stories involve erotic situations between characters from the X-men.”

It was also reported that VP Pence enjoys using his Myspace page to share “killer tunes” with his staff and constituents. A Myspace friend said: “Yeah, he’s into sweet guitar licks, and some of his favorite groups are Jawbreaker and Sunny Day Real Estate. I can take it or leave his posts though. He like, posts a shit-ton of Winnie the Pooh and Ariel the Mermaid Princess memes. Those like, aren’t even ironic, you know? He just really likes them.”

Whitehouse officials are considering stripping Pence of his security clearance, and souvenir retailers are selling “Lock him up” t-shirts and tote bags on the National Mall.

Tiffany Midge is an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge


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Mike Pence, You’ve Got Mail!