Tiffany Midge

Playing ‘Russian Roulette’ With Women’s Health

Committee of barnyard swine to determine fate for women’s health

A din of squealing and snorking was heard coming from a White House conference room March 23, when top government leaders met with a group of all male barnyard swine to discuss the future for women’s health care.

“The scene at the conference table reminded me of that famous painting of dogs playing poker, only instead of dogs, it’s with pigs, and instead of poker, it’s Russian roulette.” A White House aid reported.

Members of the “Freedom Caucus,” as the all-swine committee is calling itself, have little if any understanding of women’s health and maternity needs, and some elected officials within the GOP have even voiced that the proposal is “unfair,” and that barnyard swine shouldn’t be expected to subsidize maternity care.

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“Making it a requirement for insurance companies to pony up for birthing babies is unconstitutional.” A Freedom Caucus member stated. “I’ve never birthed no baby before, heck, I’ve never even seen a baby, but God forbid, if I ever did find myself in the family way, I’d just deal with it privately and call up Stork Delivery R Us, or pay a visit to the cabbage patch—ain’t nobody be needing none of them fancy maternity services, no how.”

Other Freedom Cauci members robustly grumbled and nodded consent: “Uh-huh. I like them French fried potaters, uh-huh.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told reporters that the GOP health care bill would make “being a woman a pre-existing condition.” To which a Freedom Caucus swine rebutted: “That’s just what a woman would say. Sounds like a country and western song—Being a Woman’s a Pre-Existing Condition, wasn’t that Patsy Cline?”

Last week House Republican Leaders pulled the bill to replace the Affordable Care Act with a new health insurance system. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan explained, “We’re going to be living with Obamacare for the foreseeable future. I don’t know how long it’s going to take us to replace this law.”

Next up on the agenda for the Freedom Caucus is a reboot of the children’s classic “Free to be You and Me” to be performed in Branson, Missouri, along with an all swine cast mashup of “Glengarry Glen Ross,” and “Animal Farm.”

Tiffany Midge is an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge

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Playing ‘Russian Roulette’ With Women’s Health

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